Apollo 13 Crew
“Don’t you worry. If they could get washing machines to fly, my Jimmy could land it.”
These were not just words of encouragement from Commander Lovelle’s mom to a scared granddaughter, but more a statement of fact than anything else. Blanche Lovelle knew her son well.
I recall a poignant time with one of my sons when he was in junior high. From early on, everything had come easy to this son whether it was school work or sports, but as he got into junior high, there was considerably more competition. He was unfortunately under the false impression that he could stay at the front of the pack without doing any real work. Matters came to a head one night when his grades came in the mail and they were less than spectacular, and certainly less than what he was capable of. Linda and I talked privately and we decided that it was time for me to take my junior high son out for an ice cream that night and talk the situation over.
My son had a good idea of what was up because seconds before I even got the car parked at the ice cream place, he broke into a wide-open sobbing monologue about how he knew that he was lazy, was not tending to his studies, etc, etc. I was speechless! He knew exactly what was on my mind to a tee. But there was no way that I could label him “lazy” right out loud or anything else even if his behavior had warranted it.
I thank God for the words that came to my mind at that instant when I said, “I believe in you more than you do.” For me, it was a homerun moment because I was able to communicate in no uncertain terms that I believed that he was capable of much better grades while not inflicting a label on him. The words that we choose to use as parents can have huge consequences.
There have been a handful of other occasions when this same phrase has come into play. There were a couple of times involved with high school academics. There was a time shortly before his college soccer team won the NAIA national championship with him as their starting goalie. The phrase carries so much more weight now because my son and I both know that I have consistently been there for him ever since he was just a pup. When he was young, I did believe in him more than he did himself– but many successes and experiences have made him a believer too. The son who would barely open a textbook during school now routinely hangs out at Barnes & Noble. He is a voracious reader. And he will be the first of my children to complete a Masters degree a few months from now.
Building confidence in our kids involves successes and failures. If our kids never attempt anything that involves risk and failure, their so-called successes will be meaningless.
The key point is: most of us do not need any help remembering our own personal failures. As parents, we should strive to have a more perfect memory about the joys and successes with our kids. They need to know that we believe in them more than they do themselves.
Wow, this one was close to home. My mom is very old school and tends to speak her mind a little too much. My brother gets the brunt of this and it’s no wonder why they don’t click. I think I am just grown a thicker skin and could careless, but he was always more sensitive. I have no kids, but I can remember the not so nice words that was said to me growing up. I get it now, but it wasn’t ok at least in my book. My mother did the best that she could raising a child on her own. I didn’t have that luxury of having 2 parents at home so I can’t always relate to stay at home mom’s. This gave me some real good insight on helping my brother and understanding his feelings better. Great post!
Harsh words are particularly harsh when they are untrue, or when someone only sees the negative things around them. As I have written before, parents cannot put the “bar of acceptance” so high that their kids can never attain it.
It is so easy to repeat the parenting mistakes that our own parents made with us! Wise is the parent who chooses a different and better way with their own kids. This “wisdom” does not come from the world, however. Take a look around! As Psalms 111:10 reads, “the fear (respect) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”
Thank you for your post.
Wow. I have been on both sides of this one. How I wish I could eat the words that I have said to tear my son down. I am thankful I always get another chance to build him up… and I’m extremely grateful for the grace that covers my mistakes.
Your words will stick in my mind. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. Convictions like what you are feeling are real windows into our hearts.
It’s never too late to confess our errors to one another (even our children) and ask for their forgiveness. There is a clear hierarchy with how families are to operate (i.e., Honor your father and your mother…), but when it comes to righting wrongs and asking for forgiveness, the playing field is completely level between kids and parents. We should all seek to out-do each other in love and respect toward other family members- and as I am trying to say here, it is a two-way street when it comes to parents and their children.
Beautiful post. I think a lot about building up self esteem in my children and yet balancing the idea that I don’t want to over inflate it! I like your approach, especially during those challenging years of junior high as our children really start discovering themselves.
I have heard that for every negative thing a child hears it takes at least 8 kinds things to balance it back in a positive way.
We parents have our work cut out for us if that’s the case. What child or person couldn’t use a hug and an encouraging word each day? I know I could use it and our children could too. Thanks for sharing.
It’s not that we never tell our kids something “negative” of course. But our words need to be bathed in wisdom. Yelling at a 4 year old about them being childish, for example, is just foolish. Of course they are childish! They are only 4 years old. If we parents think of our kids as on loan from God for just a short time, with our job being to train them and bring them up so that one day their lives are pleasing to him, I think we’ll all be on the right track.
Such a good reminder! Thanks!
“I believe in you more than you do” – what a great thing to say! My kids were competitive figure skaters, and it was so important to them that my husband and I always believed in them. In a subjective sport, it’s especially important that athletes have parents who believe in them – although I think every child needs that regardless of their circumstances. Visiting from Mom Loop!
What a great post. I believe in the power of words and try to be mindful of what I say to my son. If I am wrong then I apologize and try to use that as a teaching lesson. Hopefully, I’m doing all right. I am definitely going to remember your words, “I believe in you more than you do” because they are so powerful. Everyone, no matter the age, needs someone to believe in them.